Pony Day!

Today I get to visit Veronica. For one glorious hour, I can graze her in the back meadow. Mike called yesterday and with even better news - he told me he put his foot down and worked out a plan for people to visit their horses safely without being sneaky about it. I will be able to go every day Simon is able to take me - he has been witness to my daily grief and sadness, so I think it will be almost every day.

I have a container with chopped apple slices, carrots, and peppermints already packed. I can't wait to rebuild trust and friendship with my girl.

Soulmates

The souls we connect to in our lives. Boris, my cat, was one of my soulmates in this life. I went to pick out a kitten from a litter and he ran ahead of his seven siblings and climbed my leg. Done. He picked me. Every cat has a unique personality. Boris was a clown. He was goofy, loveable, sweet, and funny. He slept every night right on my chest. He knew our footsteps and the sound of Simon's car and would trot down the sidewalk by our side. 

I started to notice that he was having difficulty jumping up on his little bench or the bed. I mentioned it to Simon who said he was just a clutz, true but this was different. Maybe because I grew up on a small farm my intuition about animals is sharper, but I knew something wasn't right. A short time later, from one day to the next he was really off and looked different - grey and drawn. We brought him to Angel Memorial and they did an MRI and found a massive tumor in his intestines. The Cancer was too far advanced to treat and would not extend his life for very long or in a joyful way for him. Worst day of our lives, we had to let him go - in our arms the whole way.

He is always with me - time doesn't change the love I have for him. Some people get frustrated and annoyed about our depth of feelings for this cat - "just a cat" came out of someone I used to work with. This cat was one of my greatest loves of my life. A pure, uncomplicated love.

Yesterday I decided to try to paint him - I put the little painting next to my bed and when I woke up today it was a little bit having him back. The eyes were his. 

Miss and love you, Boris forever and ever.

Mediocrity Rules

Maggie

The first rule of Pony Club

...is we don't talk about Pony Club... After my forlorn post about missing Veronica, I took a good friend's advice and called our trainer. I didn't ask about visiting - I simply said I wanted to connect to some part of her life and called to say hi. I think this approach helped the cause because an hour later Mike called to say he had come up with a scheme for his clients to see their horses. The land behind the barn is part of the Greenbelt public conservation land, and open to anyone. If he happened to be riding Veronica out there at the same time I happened to be walking through the field... you get the gist. It is something! I will probably "happen" to have a pocket full of peppermints, too...

It turns out one of their stall muckers has COVID (he's okay so far) - I think it has spooked the owners and they can't risk having people come out. I get it.

Today I am painting a portrait of a beautiful mare, Maggie. She was magnificent and much loved by a wonderful family. She had a tragic accident - she lept into the air and broke her leg when she landed. The heartbreak for this family has been profound. I am so honored to be creating a vision of Maggie and their love for her. I am shedding some tears, but I hope the sadness will fuel the beauty of the work.

Maggie and Taylor

Please

I miss my friend. It is going on 5 months that we have been separated. I thought I was doing the best thing for her to send her South for the winter with our trainer. I worried with my demanding job and bad weather I wouldn't be able to get to her. Turns out sending your horse South with your trainer is for rich people who can also go South for the winter and still see your horse. For me, I have woken up from dreams about her with tears in my eyes almost every day. 

She's back - they arrived almost two weeks ago, but with the quarantine, no one is allowed to visit. Our trainer indicated they were trying to sort out a way to allow visits, but every day there is no news. Nothing. No pictures, no updates, just radio silence. I have had panic attacks, long silent stares at the ceiling, crying multiple times a day. This is traumatic. I know she is okay, but the thing I value the most is our relationship. Ten years I have given this animal love and attention and now she doesn't think I'll ever come back. It breaks my heart that this doted on animal has a vacuum of the person who promised her she would always be taken care of and loved. 

Most horse professionals scoff at the notion horses feel this level of connection to us, but I disagree - they are just not paying attention. 

I want to find a place to keep her close, with other horses, with a field and a natural life. I don't care if I never ride her again - I just want her back.

Please let me see her.

Loving your work

When I finish something I've been working on - a painting, freestyle, website - whatever it might be. I often sit back, smile and declare "I love this". Simon chides me "you're not supposed to love your own work, Deborah". I have thought this through and disagree. I understand the pursuit of excellence and perfection but also feel okay with work being completed, or a work in progress. Part of creating for me is love - I know when a painting is finished when I feel a little giggle bubbling up.

I'm excited the website I built for Sue is finally live - suemurad.com

Sue and I were bandmates in U.V. Protection - I was aware of her other work but had no idea the scope of it. I feel like I got to know Sue in a more complete way through creating this website. Her old website didn't have a logical way to navigate the content - I feel proud of this work to be able to present over 25 years of work in an organized, logical, yet still visually appealing way. If you ever wondered what being a life-long working artist involves, look no further than Sue. Many people who pursue art as their vocation are financially independent - Sue works tirelessly to earn grants and freelance work to support herself. Huge respect.

I'm working on the now seven dog portraits. Two came out great, but I'm struggling with the pug and getting the face right. Not loving that one yet! This is Bruce - a little portrait I do love.

Boots

I have had these hiking boots since I lived in Colorado. They have climbed many peaks - big ones, over 14,000 feet. They have been covered in the red earth of Moab and Sedona, and the rich soils of the Rocky and Appalachian mountains. I believe I wore them every day for a year when I was living a nomad's life. Today they are covered with mud from Breakheart Reservation, which is about 100 yards across the road I live on. 

My dad used to call me his "little mountain goat" for how sure-footed I was - always scrambling up things and way ahead of the group. Now I limp along slowly picking my way up and down rocky trails - I mourn my strength and balance sometimes (every day), but I am grateful for what I still have. 

I've been in a bit of funk for the past few days. My walks around the nearby ponds have started to feel repetitive and populated - that sounds jerky, but I have been longing for solitude in nature. Today I found some.

There seem to be more people out driving around today - I am sensing a shift in the commitment to stay home and isolate, or maybe it's my own restlessness.

What did you say??!!

I can't hear you... I'm not kidding. Since Sunday I have no hearing from my left ear.  It is extremely distressing. I keep hoping it will pop and be fine, but it's not. It feels like someone is squeezing my eardrum. I had a phone appointment with my doctor - she thinks this is my autoimmune disorder creating inflammation in my ear canal, cutting off the normal function. We agreed to "wait and see" if there is improvement before bringing me in. I really don't want to go to MGH right now.

Losing hearing on one side causes a lot of disorientation and balance issues. I really struggled on a trail hike on terrain that is normally not a problem. Today I opted for my bike trainer and a kitchen day making black beans with garlic, red onion, cumin, red bell pepper, red chili pepper, jalapenos, and a pot of Orzo - yum. 

On the bright side, another woman from the Maine barn has asked me to paint five 5" x 5" paintings for her - one horse and four dogs. I love that size, and this is a commission that will keep me busy for the coming weeks. She asked me after she saw the painting of Karma I just finished. I am so honored to have this opportunity - she wants to put the paintings in her own pottery studio. Another artist asking me to do this is really quite a feeling. I had hoped I would have more web design work, but here I am using my hands and real materials. I always wished I had a trade, maybe I'm getting one. I'm trying to think up a clever name to call my fledgling artwork, maybe that's it? Fledgling Artwork. Suggestions welcome!

Art and mistakes

Most of my weekend was spent working on a commissioned painting. I hemmed and hawed over every aspect - what kind of background, the colors, the composition. I changed my mind several times and kept "running things by" Simon, who eventually said, "just paint something". Good advice. This woman asked me to paint her daughter's horse based on the slightly awkward, but charming painting I did of my own horse - she knows I'm not necessarily correct in anatomy or perspective and wants something "whimsical and wonderful". 

The person who is receiving this painting as a surprise gift is all about pink - I knew I had to make pink a major element. Her mom sent me some lovely photos of them competing at shows. Karma (the horse) is a very fancy upper-level warmblood Dressage horse. The photos are formal - Karma is braided and wearing a bonnet. This isn't my world - I thought about how I would approach this and kept coming around to being true to my aesthetic, which is natural and finding the personality of the subject - Karma is a very sweet mare and Ashelely equally so. I wanted this work to represent their natures and spirits. Whereas the painting of Veronica shows her sass and confidence, I wanted this one to show gentleness. 

It was all going very well - I was happy with the background, the flowers, the drawing of Karma/the painting of Karma was going well, until the forelock - this was supposed to be the easiest part - a swoop of her bangs and viola! painting accomplished. Nope. The brush had a big glop of paint that made karma look like she had a '60s mod Beatles inspired hairdo. Fuck. I tried to fix it, and it got worse - kept trying and it got so bad I was convinced I had ruined the whole painting after about 15 hours of working on it. I was beside myself. I couldn't believe this work was ruined. After some very frustrating attempts, I got up and went for a walk. When I came back I sat down and quietly problem solved how to fix the mistake and it came around to something I liked better than the original. Such a lesson in this. Don't work when you're frustrated, stay calm, and think it through. 

I finally got the nerve to send it to the person who I was making it for - I was convinced she would cringe and try to be nice, but this was her response:

It is heavenly & better than I could envision. Adore the pinkness, too 💕🦄💖 Deborah, it’s perfect.

It's definitely not perfect, but that's not what I do. I make emotional paintings. It makes sense because I am a sensitive soul.

I've been commissioned

Today was kind of hard. I finished the website for Sue and don't have another work project right now. The weather was dreadful, so it was an indoor day. I ended up painting the crow and forsythia painting below and working on a short story entitled "The Yellow Cat". It's about a cat that befriended my horse, Veronica when she was in trouble, and I didn't know it. It is a story I have wanted to write for a long time and now I finally feel like I can try to do it justice.

I laid down for a rest and felt kind of low and worried. A woman who died of the virus on Monday turned out to be the mother of someone I know. Sad and scary. I woke up to see a text message from a woman I know from a barn in Maine - she said that she really loves the painting I did of Veronica and asked if I would do a painting of her daughter's horse and offered to pay for the work. Me getting paid for a painting? Oh wow! I feel a little weird about accepting money, but I agreed to make a painting and if she likes it we can talk about a small price for it. She said "your work is whimsical & wonderful. I will pay you what you want for it".

Money is one thing, but the encouragement and appreciation for my expression is everything. Whimsical & wonderful - I can work with that. My brain is going like a wheel thinking about how to approach this work! A much nicer way to have your brain working than worrying.

The Turquoise 'N Silver Spurs

A friend told me I should make a Country Western album about Veronica and use this image for the album cover. I don't have a whole album in me, but I wrote this here song:

Veronica 

O'er yonder where buttercups bloom
She tosses her shiny black hair
Others stare, they know they need her
She knows that, too, but doesn't care

She spins and turns and dances alone
The light catches her sky blue eyes
She tips her head to listen close
Sounds on the wind bring a surprise

Chorus:
Breath air in and blow it out
Fluttering reeds, harmonicaaaa
A honey tone soft and sweet
Serenade the song, Veronicaaaaa

Her velvet coat is black and white
With tap shoes on her toes
She holds up her head proud and high
So many secrets she already knows 

O'er yonder where buttercups bloom
She spends her days without a care
Galloping over grassy knolls
Did you guess this right? She's a mare

Chorus:
Breath air in and blow it out
Fluttering reeds, harmonicaaaa
A honey tone soft and sweet
Serenade a song, Veronicaaaaa

Who wants to play an instrument or sing on this song????

Bird Academy

One of my oldest and dearest friends gifted me with an online course at the Cornell University Bird Lab. It's the study of Nature Journalling and Field Sketching. This past year I have been painting birds, so this gift is exciting to learn more about them and continue to develop as an artist.

The Cornell Lab offers some free courses in bird identification - you can create an account and have access to some wonderful resources for free:

Bird Academy 

This is what I'm up to today. Be well all xo